THE INFJ DOORSLAM. It’s said that INFJs will often leave relationships in an abrupt manner, without much communication. When an INFJ decides that a relationship is over or irritation starts to grow too hard to handle, INFJs may choose the doorslam as an effective strategy of getting out. Why do INFJs doorslam, and is the doorslam a healthy strategy to end a relationship. What do healthy INFJs do if they are starting to become stressed or frustrated with a friend or a partner? This is why INFJs doorslam.
Watch my video on the INFJ Doorslam
Why INFJs Doorslam – Recognising the warning signs
The INFJ personality type is easily overwhelmed. You can easily get overwhelmed by stress and negativity. INFJs are especially sensitive to conflict and respond poorly to criticism. Real life can put a lot on your plate, and as an INFJ, it’s important to develop a healthy set of boundaries in order to resolve negativity quickly. If you do not do this early, a doorslam may eventually become the only option.
1. Address conflict and tension early when it starts to emerge
It is not wrong to be forgiving and understanding and it is good that you, as an INFJ, will want to empathise with other people. But be honest about tensions and stress points for yourself. If someone is starting to annoy or irritate you with something they do, explain that this is something stressful for you.
2. Notice when you are taking on too much responsibility for another person
If you are too focused on another persons emotional well-being, you may start to take on too much responsibility for others. You may start to make their happiness your happiness. Notice when you are starting to get stressed trying to make or keep another person happy. Practice letting go and letting the other person take responsibility for themselves. And learn to be okay with the fact that your friends and close ones will go through struggles. You can’t protect people from everything, and you won’t be able to maintain perfect happiness and joy for others.
During the Doorslam
During the INFJ doorslam, you may start to feel overwhelmed and you may start going over negative situations with the person over and over in your head. You can start hyperfocusing on conflict points and issues and you may filter out anything positive about the person.
You may start villifying the other person, painting the picture of them as someone who is intentionally using your energy and kindness. Many INFJs claim to know or have had many close experiences with narcissists, and while it is true, the person you are dealing with may be a narcissist, it is very possible that the other person is just a bit self-absorbed.
The person you are dealing with may just be having a bad time, and may have forgotten to check in with you for some time. As an INFJ, you may have kept tensions bottled up. The other person might not even know that you are frustrated with them. Did you even share that you were stressed and did you do something to discuss your issues with the other person? Before the doorslam, give the other person a chance to empathise with you.
INFJ Ghosting – The Soft Doorslam
INFJ Ghosting is a thing. However, it is not the same as the INFJ doorslam. While the doorslam is final, ghosting is more a strategy of avoiding conflict or tension. Instead of making it fully clear to the other person you never want them out of your life, you pull away without any communication and hide your traces from the other person completely. INFJ Ghosting is a method to run away from a negative situation but it is not a final way out. The INFJ will often return once the conflict or tension seems gone or after they have recovered their energy.
After the INFJ doorslam
Most INFJs will seek to naturally detach from the other person and anything associated with said person. As an INFJ, you just want to be out of the situation and the conflict as quickly as possible. Rather than engage in a prolonged conflict or discussion, the natural tendency is to just shut off. Most INFJs move on quickly and you can easily steel your mind on a set outcome. You’ve made your decision and the door is shut and few INFJs will reopen a door once fully closed. After an INFJ doorslam, most INFJs will seek to get as far away from you as possible.
It will take a lot to get an INFJ to change their mind. If you want to rekindle the situation with an INFJ, you are going to need to give them space so that they can find their center and calm and peace of mind. Besides that, if you are able to have a conversation together, it is important that you make the INFJ feel what they need more than anything – to feel understood.
Generally, the doorslam happened because the INFJ felt that you didn’t see or hear them. You didn’t notice the small warning signs you gave them, the stress, the coldness, the heaviness they felt as they agreed to do something for you. The INFJ may have systematically put you in first place, but they did sigh loudly. They did look tired. If you can verify that you see and understand that you have been difficult for them, that is most important. You may not agree with how they chose to communicate it, and you may want them to speak up more. After the doorslam, it is important to think about what caused this situation and what you can do to avoid it in the future.
Reccomended read: INFJ Relationships
Recovering from the doorslam
Recognise that no matter what, a doorslam is a failure for you as an INFJ. It is naturally to feel a sense of shame about the situation and the dynamic that lead to it. Even if you have been able to focus your mind to other projects or other people, there will be a stress after the situation.
Your energy will feel deflated for a while, and you may feel vary to start up or fully commit to something new. You will keep revisiting the situation for a while. You may feel resentment about the situation or being misled or mistreated by the other person. Finding a way to new harmony and new zen is key here. What can you do to regain faith in humanity and in other people? And how can you make peace with the situation and what has occurred?
This process may take time so make sure you get time to introspect and find clarity on the situation. Don’t rush, and hopefully, you will soon find a new chance or opportunity. Remember, relationships should lift you up, and you should experience kindness and goodness from others, just like you want to be kind to others.
Check out this video on INFJ Ghosting for more information about health and boundaries in relationships as an INFJ
